questions questions

I’m surprised people ask me to do this, given my previous responses and their slightly sarcastic tone.  But okay…Elyse insisted…

The Rules:

1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.

Elyse posted this as a self-portrait.  It kind of looks like me freshman year in college right before I got my haircut…I’m going with it.

Yes, I'm a hairy beast.  Mine is more blondish red, but same idea

(Google image)

Eleven facts you may not know about me (and probably wish you didn’t).

  1. I have a tattoo of Leona Helmsley on my large intestine.
  2. My toenail color changes between blue and salmon, depending on the brand of peanut butter i eat.
  3. People  have told me I look a little like Brad Pitt right after the car hit him in Joe Black.
  4. Contrary to public opinion I was not raised by gypsy moths.
  5. I not only have a “special room in hell” waiting for me, I have an entire suite.
  6. I refuse to eat anything that does not come out of a mason jar.
  7. I am Paul Lynde and Wally Cox’s love child.
  8. I have never watched an entire episode of Seinfeld (That one is actually true – not the others aren’t you understand)
  9. I can speak 5 different languages.  Unfortunately no one else speaks them  so I’m always misunderstood.
  10. I left my pancreas in San Francisco.
  11. One testicle is larger than the other.  I rent out the extra space for business conferences and Shiner’s meetings.

Now, here are my answers to Elyse’s questions:

Were you closer to Mom or Dad (if you were spawned by aliens, please explain)
I was closer to the cat.  Mom and Dad lived in the next town.

There are moments in history that everyone alive at that time remember (for me it was the Kennedy assassination).  What was your first?
The day Eleanor Roosevelt bit into a bad fig and told her husband that he was a complete doof.

Favorite pet ever
Angelique Lawson, December 1971 issue

Funniest quote
“Hire a decorator to come in here quick cuz, Damn.”

Best insult you ever delivered and why the recipient deserved it.
I delivered one to the CVS in town.  They ordered a gross.

First memory
“Bottle fed?  That’s bullshit.”

What do you dislike most about blogging?
It never cooks up the same way twice.

Do your friends/family members read your blog?
Only under duress.

How would you be using your time right now if you weren’t answering my stupid questions
Melting down ear wax to use as varnish for the front porch

Your dream job.
I don’t think we need to get into that here thank you.

What you expect to be reincarnated as in your next life?
This is my next life.  I used to be central tunnel support on the Victoria Line

Now I am supposed to come up with questions.  I think I’m still waiting for answers from most of you on the last batch…

1. Name five non-clothing items you might wear next to your skin while attending a Bar Mitzvah.
2. Who is your favorite proctologist…and why?
3. They are going to name a breakfast cereal after your feet.  What will it be called?
4. Given the choice between spontaneous combustion and a weekend with Michelle Bachman, which would you choose?
5. What is your favorite tile grout?
6. It’s a new law…you have to get a tattoo of a celeb’s face.  Who is it and where are they going?
7. What is your favorite moldy fruit?
8. What language do you find most unpleasant?
9. When was the last time you cried gagged?
10. What is your favorite dental instrument?
11. Have you ever…you know…you know…with a head of cauliflower?  or spinach?

I won’t tag anyone but if you want to have at it, please feel free.

10 Comments

Filed under blogging, humor

10 responses to “questions questions

  1. I loved your snarky answers and snarkier questions. And you’re right — that quote was the bomb.

    Nobody answers these things unless you force them to, BTW. And then only a few do. Same with awards — I think I have a couple stashed away from you. Don’t hate me cause I’m lazy. Oh, and beautiful — because we look so much alike!

  2. i am only sad that i already answered this meme back in august. give me a different set of bizarre questions and i’ll run with them.

  3. Snowelf

    Okay Coops, I’ll take this on as my assignment for tomorrow. :)
    Miss you,
    –snow

  4. 1. Name five non-clothing items you might wear next to your skin while attending a Bar Mitzvah.

    A stack of cups and a chastity belt.

    2. Who is your favorite proctologist…and why?

    Dr. Cosmo Kramer. Oh, you never watch Seinfeld.

    3. They are going to name a breakfast cereal after your feet. What will it be called?

    Cream of Feet?

    4. Given the choice between spontaneous combustion and a weekend with Michelle Bachman, which would you choose?

    I happen to think Michelle is rather hot.

    5. What is your favorite tile grout?

    Self cleaning.

    6. It’s a new law…you have to get a tattoo of a celeb’s face. Who is it and where are they going?

    Barack with my butt cheeks as his ears.

    7. What is your favorite moldy fruit?

    Jello.

    8. What language do you find most unpleasant?

    C#. Another dead end technology, much like MFC.

    9. When was the last time you cried gagged?

    Thinking about #3.

    10. What is your favorite dental instrument?

    Jew’s harp.

    11. Have you ever…you know…you know…with a head of cauliflower? or spinach?

    No, I don’t know and hope I never do.

    Bill

  5. Snowelf

    Hi-jinks have ensued over at my blog.
    I LOVED Bill’s answers as well! :)
    –snow

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