I’m surprised people ask me to do this, given my previous responses and their slightly sarcastic tone. But okay…Elyse insisted…
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.
Elyse posted this as a self-portrait. It kind of looks like me freshman year in college right before I got my haircut…I’m going with it.
Eleven facts you may not know about me (and probably wish you didn’t).
- I have a tattoo of Leona Helmsley on my large intestine.
- My toenail color changes between blue and salmon, depending on the brand of peanut butter i eat.
- People have told me I look a little like Brad Pitt right after the car hit him in Joe Black.
- Contrary to public opinion I was not raised by gypsy moths.
- I not only have a “special room in hell” waiting for me, I have an entire suite.
- I refuse to eat anything that does not come out of a mason jar.
- I am Paul Lynde and Wally Cox’s love child.
- I have never watched an entire episode of Seinfeld (That one is actually true – not the others aren’t you understand)
- I can speak 5 different languages. Unfortunately no one else speaks them so I’m always misunderstood.
- I left my pancreas in San Francisco.
- One testicle is larger than the other. I rent out the extra space for business conferences and Shiner’s meetings.
Now, here are my answers to Elyse’s questions:
Were you closer to Mom or Dad (if you were spawned by aliens, please explain)
I was closer to the cat. Mom and Dad lived in the next town.
There are moments in history that everyone alive at that time remember (for me it was the Kennedy assassination). What was your first?
The day Eleanor Roosevelt bit into a bad fig and told her husband that he was a complete doof.
Favorite pet ever
Angelique Lawson, December 1971 issue
“Hire a decorator to come in here quick cuz, Damn.”
Best insult you ever delivered and why the recipient deserved it.
I delivered one to the CVS in town. They ordered a gross.
“Bottle fed? That’s bullshit.”
What do you dislike most about blogging?
It never cooks up the same way twice.
Do your friends/family members read your blog?
Only under duress.
How would you be using your time right now if you weren’t answering my stupid questions
Melting down ear wax to use as varnish for the front porch
Your dream job.
I don’t think we need to get into that here thank you.
What you expect to be reincarnated as in your next life?
This is my next life. I used to be central tunnel support on the Victoria Line
Now I am supposed to come up with questions. I think I’m still waiting for answers from most of you on the last batch…
1. Name five non-clothing items you might wear next to your skin while attending a Bar Mitzvah.
2. Who is your favorite proctologist…and why?
3. They are going to name a breakfast cereal after your feet. What will it be called?
4. Given the choice between spontaneous combustion and a weekend with Michelle Bachman, which would you choose?
5. What is your favorite tile grout?
6. It’s a new law…you have to get a tattoo of a celeb’s face. Who is it and where are they going?
7. What is your favorite moldy fruit?
8. What language do you find most unpleasant?
9. When was the last time you
10. What is your favorite dental instrument?
11. Have you ever…you know…you know…with a head of cauliflower? or spinach?
I won’t tag anyone but if you want to have at it, please feel free.