The Big Butt Day

OK. If you have just eaten or are in the process of eating you may want to skip this…don’t say you haven’t been warned.

I have reached the wonderful age where my fun family physician forcefully suggests that it is time for a colonoscopy. As I’ve had the same GP, oh excuse me he’s an FP not a GP (like I know what the difference is), for quite some time and he has yet to steer me wrong (mostly) I tend to acquiesce to his suggestions, especially when they make sense.
The procedure is tomorrow and although I’m not nervous about the procedure as I get to take some wonderful drugs that will put me in la-la land for a spell, the past 24 hours have been…well it’s been an experience akin to the stomach flu without vomiting or a temperature. I am currently AWOL from the bathroom, a place I am willing not to go to again for the next six weeks, but if I dash away from my desk suddenly, please understand.
Needless to say, in order to do a colonoscopy one’s colon needs to be clean so the good doctor can see the wonders of my colon looking for nasty things like polyps (and hopefully nothing worse). In order to be internally spic and span, a full course of laxatives was started last night. In fact my last meal was dinner last night. I won’t get to eat again until dinner tomorrow as the procedure is set for mid-afternoon. Anyway, the first course is not too bad, I actually slept fairly well last night. Today, however, was when the real fun and games began.
See, there is this prescription laxative powder. It comes in a 255g bottle. The directions on the bottle say the daily recommended dose is 17g. Oh no no no no no. Certainly not good enough. What has to be done is thus: get 64 ounces of your preferred clear beverage (water, seltzer) or even Gatorade (not red) Ginger Ale, iced tea…you get the idea. Now mix THE ENTIRE 255g into the 64 oz of liquid. Shake well (I used Ginger Ale…You can imagine how smoothly the ‘shake well’ process went) and stick in the fridge.
Now the fun part – drink the entire 64 ounces – in a two hour period. Oh, and you won’t be finished by the time your nether end starts letting loose.
Now I don’t think I drink 64 ounces in an entire day – much less in a two hour period. I don’t think I’ve had that type of concentrated liquid consumption since the famed keg races in the old college days (10 guys each with 6 oz glass, 1 quarter keg, open tap, don’t close until empty – ahh those were the days).
It’s now about 12:15 AM EST and I think my system is winding down. I’m not sure if the gurgling is from starvation or another blast getting ready to jump into hyper-space.
The first thing I’m going to do Monday is go punch my Doctor in the mouth.


Filed under health care

7 responses to “The Big Butt Day

  1. snowelf

    ooo…cooper, that is awful…
    all my sympathies…



  2. Snow White

    Hang in there, Coop! You can do it. And just think of the cool post you can write on major drugs… if you can stay awake!


  3. Elizabeth McClung

    I laughed, I laughed, I sorta cried in co-understanding. My GOD, 64 oz – I covered my mouth I was horrified (and laughing so loud). Oh what hell. I’ve had a two hour hospital applied enema as surgery prep but geez, now I am almost looking back on that in nostalgia! What is it with GP’s and colonoscopies? Just to “check”?

    I know a woman with parkinsons, she’s said “I’ve had so many colonoscopies I’ve lost count.” – gee, I think I could count REALLY high of the number of times I’ve had this procedure – here is to you post exam and eating a favorite dinner (without having to run for the bathroom).

  4. lime

    don’t punch him in the mouth. i’llloan ya my handy dandy ‘butt out tool i posted about on wednesday.

  5. Snow White

    Just dropping by to see how the procedure went and how you’re feeling now…


  6. Marci B.

    Holy Moly – I, um, really don’t know what to say. There just aren’t any appropriate words of comfort…

    Well, hopefully, it’s all worth it – may you only get good news, and not have to go through this again for a long time…

  7. odd facts

    You have my sympathy, but secretly I find it amusing because it isn’t me.

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