Headline

EARTH EXPLODES: NO ONE REALLY NOTICES

O’Reilly Decrys Liberal Scientists

Gore Blames Melting Poles

Clinton Demands Galactic Healthcare

Without so much as a bang, more of a collective sigh, the earth blew up at approximately 11:36 AM central standard time. Let’s see that’s what..9:36 eastern..no no they’re only one hour ahead..well then it’s 7:43 PM Zulu time..no that’s not right..oh,hell..somewhere close to lunch.

President Bush, speaking from the Air Force One Space Shuttle was quick to calm everyone’s fears:

“This is just another attempt by members of the House, those commie liberals, to divert attention from our primary goal of securing the people of this great country. But rest assured, we are doing everything we can to keep order and maintain the quo status. The economy is strong, the people are united and we will bring democracy to every corner of the earth even if it takes hiring extra illegal immigrants at Halliburton to do it. In addition, I want to stop all the speculation right now. Vice President Cheney, a true and great American, was not as speculated on a hunting trip at the time of the explosion. And you can take that to the nearest Saudi owned bank.”

While no one knows, or seems all that interested, in the cause of the cosmic blast, unconfirmed reports are coming in stating that new shadows are appearing on the surface of Jupiter. The shadows, when seen from a telescopic distance, appear to form the words “See what happens when you piss me off?”

Scientists are baffled.

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