20 (impolite) questions

This has been hanging around my draft queue for sometime…just doing some house cleaning…

1. Have you ever had inappropriate dreams about coworkers? (You know what I mean..)
Absolutely.  Especially the one where my bosses admin comes to my house and redecorates my living room in olive green paisley wallpaper…

2. Name the first person you ever told to fuck off.
My kindergarten teacher..school went downhill from there

3. Have you ever smoked pot or worse?
Well, I’ve smoked ham, cheese, salmon….do those count?

4. How and where were you conceived?
Don’t really want to know thank you very much.  The very thought makes my teeth itch.

5. Have you ever stolen anything?
My true love’s heart….that’s pretty sappy now isn’t it…

6. Ever been handcuffed?
See question 1 and concoct unusual answer…

7. Ever been arrested? Naked?
No. Yes.

8. Has anybody ever caught you watching porn?
Yes. See answer to question 2.

9. Do you have any unusual piercings?
My uvula and pancreas both have Corian studs..

10. Do you know any crack dealers or pimps?
Just the ones in The White House

11. Have you ever done a hit and run in your car?
We tried playing baseball in my friend’s minivan but the windows kept breaking

12. Have you ever been in jail?
Yes. Didn’t get my damn $200 either

13. Have you ever fired a gun?
Only to garner some happiness (you REALLY have to stretch on this one…)

14. Ever ridden a motorcycle in a race on the highway?
No, just in the hallway

15. Ever broken into a building illegally (as in, not your own house)?
Remember…we’re The Wet Bandits….Wet Bandits

16. Do you keep the extra change the checkout person gives you by mistake?
I actually don’t accept any change at the checkout counter. Who knows where all that filthy money has been…

17. What is your most guilty pleasure?
I can’t be specific, but it involves bungee cords, Redi-Whip and 10W-40 Quaker State…

18. Who do you most hate?
Go back to school and take some classes grammar…

19. Could you kill somebody?
You’re assuming I haven’t…

20. What was your worst Freudian slip?
I bought one at VS one time that was really shoddy…

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “20 (impolite) questions

  1. There was once an irreverent rock radio station in Dallas with the call letters KZEW and popularly known as “The Zoo.” Legend has it they broke into programming with the news that John Lennon had been shot, then resumed by playing “Happiness is a Warm Gun.”

    That told, my answer to #13 is yes. You have not lived until you have coerced a washing machine into dance with fully automatic fire from an AK-47. More fun than running that special program to make the washing machine-sized disk drive of the school’s mainframe computer begin walking across the floor.

    Gotta go work on that pile of dirty laundry…

    Bill

  2. i guess that uvula piercing makes a game of tonsil hockey really interesting.

  3. cooper

    Just need the right gear is all….

  4. Good post. It made me laugh out loud several times.

  5. Yea, my nipple piercings kept getting stuck in my belt buckle, very frustrating…

    This all had me rolling!

  6. I wouldn’t touch that questionaire on the grounds… 😉

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