My interview questions from Lime…
1. We all know 42 is the answer to life. What is the question?
42? I thought it was 99…at least that’s what Toto always told me it was. I’m damn certain it’s not 8675309 no matter what Tommy Tutone sez…
2. You’ve been given a multibook deal with a major publishing house. You’ll earn a living wage (though not be well off) but before you can publish the book of your dreams you have to do a biography of Britney Spears and a reference book on fungus of the northeast USA. Do you take the deal? If so, how will you endure the mandatory assignments, and what’s the dream book you’ll publish?
Take the deal. No question. I have VERY specific questions to ask Ms. Spears, including a demonstration of shaving techniques. For the fungus work, I think it will be a pictorial coffee table book, each page resplendent with glorious full color close-ups professional athlete’s bare toes.
3. You are promoted to Overseer of the Cube Farm, what are your first reforms and how will you improve morale? Feel free to outline punishments for various infractions as well.
Half the cubes will be removed to be replaced by lounge areas with real furniture and tables. Anyone caught wearing a tie will be hung by said tie from the flagpole out front. Pizza will be available 24/7. Anyone coming to work with any type of virus…no matter how insignificant…will be shot. There will be a signup sheet posted encouraging inter-company backrubs. Anyone signing must signup to receive and give. Stupid people will be ignored. Really stupid people will be quarantined in a locked conference room. Annoying people will have their hands stapled over their mouths. During the month of August, swimwear is encouraged. All fluorescent lights will be replaced with black-lights. All non-stupid people conference rooms will have hot-tubs installed.
4. Tell us about your first kiss.
I think I was about 5 years old. I’m not sure who gave it to me. It was tough to tell with all the other stuff in the bag. I remember coming home and dumping the haul on the floor. The shiny silver foil gleamed in the light with that white paper tag sticking out. I unwrapped it slowly, savoring each moment. I popped it in my mouth…oh, not that that kind of kiss…sorry.
5. An evil mastermind is going to destroy the world unless you can stop him. You are armed with a spoon, a rubber chicken, a can of aquanet, and a bucket of peanuts. What is your plan?
Spray my entire naked body with aquanet and apply the peanuts until I am covered from head to toe. Blow up the rubber chicken and jam the handle of the spoon down it’s throat. While the mastermind is distracted by the peanut covered body, I squeeze the rubber chicken, shooting the spoon with bullet like speed so that it lodges in the forehead of a portrait of the mastermind’s pet cow, Cerberus, thus reducing the twisted genius to a quivering mass of remorse.