Easter Tide…not to be confused with the brown tide, or red tide, or Tide detergent. I had to look that up and see what it actually meant. No, I’m not going to tell you…do your own damn internet search.
And if I get one more email with the old, old, old, old, cartoon of the two chocolate bunnies, one missing ears and one with a bite out of it’s butt, I may have to hurl the Cadbury cream egg I just ate. Yeah…that’ll help me sleep…
Twas the night before Easter and all through the house, not a creature was stirring…except for the damn dog who kept kicking me while I was trying to sleep. Bed hog. Ahh Easter. That magic time of year to reflect on the story of the crucifixion of Christ (“Look at the seagull…”) and celebrate the morality lessons inherent in this tale but lining the coffers of Brachs, Mars, Cadbury and whoever makes those thoroughly repulsive marshmallow duck things. Must be a connection there somewhere.
And why, indeed, can no biblical scholar answer me the positioning of the Easter celebration juxtaposed the yuletide festivities? Jesus was born December 25th. Not a bad time to be born…what is that…Aquarius??? Could be Gordo The Swamp Rat given the extent of my astrological knowledge. But why is the death of said Saviour, so…higgeldy piggeldy? The birth can be pin-pointed but the death can’t? Seems they are both relatively critical moments in the boy’s life. It’s not like, you know, did I get those sandals on my 16th or 17th birthday? Or trying to find the Biblical reference to the exact date Jesus had his first wet dream (a serious emission if ever there was one; yuk-yuk-yuk). No we’re talking birth and death, entering and exiting, breathing and not breathing. The birth? No problem…got that sucker nailed and no one even questions it. The death? Well I personally think it’s an ancient joke that got out of hand. I can see the original Biblical authors passing around one too many hookahs one night until one of them starts giggling mercilessly…
“OK…(giggle…snort) let’s do this…oh wow this is awesome…let’s make make the date he dies the (snicker) first full moon after his birthday. (Snort, snort)…No wait..even better…the first full moon after the vernal equinox!”
“Aw, no man…do this…ow wow…this is awesome..ok..listen..ok …(snort)…check this out…oh wow..listen..ok..this is so cool…listen…ok…the….first Sabbath after the first full moon…after the vernal equinox.”
“Wow…that’s so radical…they are going to freak…out!”
I’m going straight to hell, aren’t I?