My previous rant sparked additional thoughts in my aging cranium (always a dangerous thing). I had to ask myself, “What other TV shows would I watch???” and I came up with the following weeknight lineup that would certainly grab my attention and pull me away from my usual activities of drawing suggestive pictures of overripe fruit and polishing the dog….
1) Legal Eagles – an exciting audience participation show where each week people in the studio select their favorite ambulance chasing, scumbag criminal asshole lawyer based on the frivolous and insane cases the selected slime represents. From there the lucky lawyer gets doused with gasoline, set on fire and thrown off the top of the Empire State Building. First lawyer that flies, wins.
2) Here’s an exciting new spin-off. Based on the popularity of I Can’t Believe You’re Still Walking Around On This Planet You Self-Absorbed Waste of Oxygen. MSNBC announces I Can’t Believe You’re Still Walking Around On This Planet You Self-Absorbed Waste of Oxygen: The White Collar Criminal CEO Edition. Now everyone’s favorite arrogant CEO douchebags can join in on the fun and games. Stellar personalities like John Thain, Hank Greenberg, Howard Smith and Bernie Medoff are sure to be audience grabbers.
3) Everyone knows about the popular show Nip ‘n’ Tuck. Now Lifetime presents… Inject ‘n’ Inflate. Each week, one arrogant self-obsessed moron who wears a bluetooth like a fashion accessory and has swallowed the Have To Look 18 Forever Koolaid, is snatched off the street, chloroformed, and spirited away to a secret location where they are injected with a series of ‘treatments’, consisting mainly of cattle fat and bacon grease, then deposited at the offices of People Magazine.
and along the same lines….
4) Dr. 10019 – a New York plastic surgeon specializing in transforming cellulite into non-fat dairy creamer.
5) American Dildo – each week contestants show off their sexual talents for a panel of 40-year-old computer geeks still living at home. After weeks of fierce competitions (and much mopping and towel laundering) the winner gets to star in a feature porn film shot in Aruba starring the defensive squad of the Oakland Raiders.
6) Hack This! – each week one internationally infamous hacker known for coding fast-acting computer worms is tracked down and provided the passwords and IP addresses of one multi-national corporation. Hidden cameras are placed throughout the offices of the target company. Just sit back and watch the fun!
This is great stuff!!! You’d think one of the networks would hire me for program planning….oh that’s right. I have a degree.