exciting programmes

My previous rant sparked additional thoughts in my aging cranium (always a dangerous thing).  I had to ask myself, “What other TV shows would I watch???” and I came up with the following weeknight lineup that would certainly grab my attention and pull me away from my usual activities of drawing suggestive pictures of overripe fruit and polishing the dog….

1) Legal Eagles – an exciting audience participation show where each week people in the studio select their favorite ambulance chasing, scumbag criminal asshole lawyer based on the frivolous and insane cases the selected slime represents.  From there the lucky lawyer gets doused with gasoline, set on fire and thrown off the top of the Empire State Building.  First lawyer that flies, wins.

2) Here’s an exciting new spin-off. Based on the popularity of I Can’t Believe You’re Still Walking Around On This Planet You Self-Absorbed Waste of Oxygen.   MSNBC announces I Can’t Believe You’re Still Walking Around On This Planet You Self-Absorbed Waste of Oxygen:  The White Collar Criminal CEO Edition.  Now everyone’s favorite arrogant CEO douchebags can join in on the fun and games.  Stellar personalities like John Thain, Hank Greenberg, Howard Smith and Bernie Medoff are sure to be audience grabbers.

3) Everyone knows about the popular show Nip ‘n’ Tuck.  Now Lifetime presents… Inject ‘n’ Inflate.  Each week, one arrogant self-obsessed moron who wears a bluetooth like a fashion accessory and has swallowed the Have To Look 18 Forever Koolaid, is snatched off the street, chloroformed, and spirited away to a secret location where they are injected with a series of ‘treatments’, consisting mainly of cattle fat and bacon grease, then deposited at the offices of People Magazine.

and along the same lines….

4) Dr. 10019 – a New York plastic surgeon specializing in transforming cellulite into non-fat dairy creamer.

5) American Dildo – each week contestants show off their sexual talents for a panel of 40-year-old computer geeks still living at home.  After weeks of fierce competitions (and much mopping and towel laundering) the winner gets to star in a feature porn film shot in Aruba starring the defensive squad of the Oakland Raiders.

6) Hack This! – each week one internationally infamous hacker known for coding fast-acting computer worms is tracked down and provided the passwords and IP addresses of one multi-national corporation.  Hidden cameras are placed throughout the offices of the target company.  Just sit back and watch the fun!

This is great stuff!!!  You’d think one of the networks would hire me for program planning….oh that’s right.  I have a degree.



Filed under america, comedy, game, life, marketing, media, TV

3 responses to “exciting programmes

  1. dude, the networks should never hire you. you should have your own network. it’s hard to decided which one to watch first. of course you can have some cross over action too. such as the contestants on the i can’t believer you’re still walking around having to subsist entirely on the non dairy creamer produced by dr. 10019.

  2. OK, I’ll play…

    Let’s Make a Dope Deal – admit it, we are all waiting for Cheech and Chong to bring this one to television.
    The Amazing Face – follow the vain as they jet to resorts around the world sampling beauty procedures.
    The Vice is Right – stories of ex-sex workers’ attempts to support their families without resorting to their former profession.
    American Idle – slackers from across the country compete in events like beer pong, quarters and bizz buzz.
    Feel of Fortune – contestants get to possess the sum of one million dollars for a day, but must give it all back.
    Wild Bingdom – a survey of some of the strange sites search engines sometimes turn up.
    Dancing with the Pars – with the profession hurting from the absence of their star player, mediocre golfers display their terpsichorean skills.
    H.O.P.S. – tales of BATFE agents as they attempt to collect taxes from brew pubs and microbrewaries.
    Mother Fokkers – contestants attempt to build and fly large models of a German World War I fighter plane.
    Date Show with David Letterman – sex tapes from a confessed adulterer.
    Who Wants to be a Hundredaire – daring exploits of coupon clippers.
    Spunk’d – contestants pleasure themselves and leave the evidence in the darndest places.
    Rear Factor – from the news department at CBS, colonoscopies of the rich and famous.
    GOPStar – cover your ears as Republicans take to the karaoke stage.
    Hard Fall with Chris Matthews – a sniveling idiot bemoans his political party’s loss of a significant ruling majority.
    Chicago Dopes – arrogant thug politicians squander a tremendous opportunity to shape the national agenda.
    Wipeout – head-to-head comparisons between leading brands of bathroom tissue.
    Name that Buffoon – contestants attempt to guess the identities of disgraced public figures.
    American Bandgame – members of a live studio audience play RockBand or Guitar Hero with viewers online.
    Congeal or no Congeal – the latest in time-lapse, close-up and 3-D photography reveal the intricacies of Jello changing state in the refrigerator.
    I Survived a Japanese Blame Show – insider accounts of the aftermath of automotive defects.
    Last Call with Carson Daly – cool dude dispenses advice on getting rid of telemarketers.

    Why not start a channel airing nothing but reality programming? Maybe after a decade or two,it will run only music videos.


  3. LMAO!!! and nice addition Bill!!

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