think again…

The What Not Meme

People are always giving advice on what NOT to do in this situation and that situation. I’ve had it with the know-it-alls this week. I’m switching it up.
It’s your turn to be the expert. Answer what NOT to do in the following situations.
It’s your spin on potential societal blunders (and a few quirky scenarios you might find yourself in). You didn’t think I’d leave my quirk home now did ya?
Have at it.
What NOT To Do when you’re…..

1. On a first date
admit that you know the seven ways to filet a corpse

2. Intoxicated
believe that you’re whispering

3. In the shower
this depends on shower locale:
Jail: offer to wash your neighbor’s back
home: keep the shampoo and Nair bottles together
significant others: reject an offer to share
alanis morrisette’s: wait until she arrives

4. At your ex’s wedding
tell the bride and/or groom your ex’s father idolizes Hannibal Lechter

5. In jail
paint your cell walls a pastel shade of mauve

6. being stalked
wear a t-shirt displaying the Target logo

7. Stuck to an igloo
tease the polar bears

8. In sewing class
stitch your classmates together

9. Asleep in a helium balloon
fart when the gas jets ignite

10. At a birthday party for twins
depends on the twins:
under 18: tell each of them, separately, that the other spits in their mouth while they sleep
over 18 (and are named Barbie, Bambi or Ursula):ask them for an hourly rate

11. On a nude beach
men: ask the nearest female weave your back hair into cornrows
women: laugh

12. At the opera
ask the elegant couple next to you if they know when Minnie Pearl comes on

13. you’re falling in love
bathe…that’ll be the true test

14. Low on gasoline in a bad part of town
ask that gang of nice young men all wearing the same colors if they can break a hundred-dollar bill for gas money

15. Having a baby
handle toxic chemicals in glass tubes while in heavy labor

16. On fire
perform your Richard Pryor impersonation

17. Lost at the mall
men: go into Victoria’s Secret and try on a series of bras. 
women: assume it’s a sign from God that you need to keep shopping

18. At a single’s dance
men: apologize that Mommy had to stay home
women: admit you have a dozen cats and live in a studio apartment

19. Riding a bike on the Jersey Turnpike
stop in the center lane to check tire pressure

20. Driving your significant other’s car
change all the radio station presets to either Rush Limbaugh or the highway information channel

21. Being robbed at gunpoint
tell the robber you have no cash because their mama took it all after an extended session of daisy chain sex with Julie Andrews, Richard Simmons and the Dalai Lama.

22. Kissing
tell your partner you’d like to kiss again because your tongue has almost dislodged the piece of roast beef jammed between their back molars

23. Paying the hotel cashier
Slip the cashier a hundred-dollar bill and whisper “That’s for a new set of sheets.”

24. Buying lingerie
Ask the sales lady to model what you’ve selected then perform acrobatic sexual stunts on random people walking through the mall.  I mean, you do want to make sure it looks good in all the possible situations you are likely to encounter.

24. Commenting on a blog
make all your comments using only Wingdings

25. In Queen Mimi’s dungeon
draw obscene pictures of the Queen on the cell walls

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “think again…

  1. Melissa Mashburn

    hahaha!Loved your answers!

  2. lol.. i really did lol at #17… lol… it mUST be a sign though!! lol..

  3. All funny and 24 made me spit maybe because I did it once.

    Great answers as usual

  4. 9. Be a young Colorado kid whose parents want back into reality TV

    Bill

  5. All really good answers-
    but they sound like they have some experience behind them? 🙂

  6. HA! I love the Minnie Pearl comment. She was a big part of Saturday night here in Alabama. Buck Owens… the All Jug Band… “What’s for supper Grandpa?”… EVERY Saturday night 🙂

  7. ok, so

    #8….does it count if i’ve sewn a drunk friend to the carpet?

    #10a…genius!

    #13…uh, would you believe…

    #18…yeah, i’ve attended one with my mom. waaaayyy awkward.

    #22…gag

  8. You never fail to crack.me.up!!

    I have to run now. Need to find a bucket of suds and a brush.
    Quickly.

  9. Actually, on a nude beach it’s okay if women laugh. It’s also okay if they point.

    What’s not okay is to do both at the same time.

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