25 things madison avenue has taught me

A retrospective of the many life lessons learned from the industrial segment that has brought so much to American culture…..Marketing.

  1. A man’s self-esteem lies in his hair.
  2. Wrinkles on a woman are evil.
  3. If I don’t own an SUV I’m a platypus.
  4. Cell phones matter.
  5. Burglars dressed as if they’re heading for a Jacques Cousteau sea voyage are massing in my neighborhood just waiting to take my stuff unless I have a keypad alarm, GPS chips imbedded in my kids or a yard surrounded by laser fencing.
  6. Celebrities know best.
  7. Fast food hamburgers are made from beef.
  8. My (grand)kids won’t learn how to use a swing set unless I have life insurance.
  9. Yogurt is the miracle cure for upper middle class women.
  10. Men over 60 can’t get it up.
  11. Families without a television are lepers.
  12. All middle class married males are fat and stupid.
  13. All middle class married women keep a perfect house, raise perfect kids and look like they just stepped out of a Land’s End catalog.
  14. Guys like to hang out with other guys at chain restaurants.
  15. All chain restaurant waitresses are drop dead foxes.
  16. Beer gets a man laid by Victoria’s Secret models.
  17. Victoria’s Secret models actually exist.
  18. Animals care what brand you feed them.
  19. Lucky Charms is part of a balanced breakfast.
  20. A car payment of $700 a month is a sign of achievement.
  21. Movies based on video games or toys are clever.
  22. Water bottled in plastic is better.
  23. Women go crazy for guys marinated in cheap cologne.
  24. Everyone working at a fast food restaurant is smart, white and friendly.
  25. Women who don’t look 18 forever are gross buckets.
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5 Comments

Filed under culture, life, marketing, media, TV

5 responses to “25 things madison avenue has taught me

  1. 26. grey hair is as evil as wrinkles
    27. make up will give me a natural look
    28. size matters
    29. lizards and cavemen are smarter than the average consumer..ok, wait, there may be some merit in that one.

  2. 30. Toys based on movies are clever.
    31. Horndog guys can come up with a believable excuse in the time needed to eat a Twix bar.
    32. Your credit report is free from the web site bearing that name.
    33. Any particular automobile is really all that different from another.
    34. The louder the sales pitch, the more you should want to buy a car there.
    35. It is easy to get rich suing doctors, large companies and other drivers.
    36. Three blades are better than two which is better than one.
    37. A frozen pizza heavy enough to break through to the floor below is a good thing.

  3. logo™

    38. Some hair care products can cause orgasm.
    39. It’s perfectly acceptable for women to demean men.

    We don’t actually watch TV, as per #11, so I can’t add much else but that is probably for the best.
    I shall go seclude myself, “Unclean!! Unclean!!”

  4. outstanding additions all!!!

    40. everyone respects the person eating mentos
    41. everyone speaks english at Walmart
    42. all babies are cute
    43. you save money by spending it
    44. buy baking soda and pour it down the drain
    45. politicians care about people

  5. And beer bottles always glisten with one drop of water…

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