first meme

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Gotta stop sleeping on the cheese grater

2. Where did you go on the very first vacation of your life?
My life is one long vacation… (I hope you were not eating or drinking anything when you read that.  If you were, just let me know the amount of the dry cleaning bill)

 3. Open the door of your refrigerator. What is the first thing you see?
Jimmy Hoffa

4. Tell us about your first kiss OR your last first date.
First date:  4th grade…candlelit dinner, moonlight, dancing…and…well one thing led to another and the next thing I knew she was tearing my clothes off in the backseat of my Jaguar…but being the perfect gentleman I explained that I was saving myself for marriage.  She was so upset she sped off down the twisting coastline road, her tear-filled eyes blurring her vision so when she put the accelerator to the floor the cliffside railing was little more than a thin streak as she sailed over the edge.  The Police found the wreckage of my car twisted and burned on the rocky shore, but her body was never recovered…

After that I stopped eating cheese whoppers with hot sauce right before bedtime…

5. If you had wings to fly about the universe, where is the first place you’d land?
The Capitol Dome in Washington DC…after a very heavy meal.

6. What is the first thing you do when you get in your car?
Sit down.

7. What is the first thing you ever said to your firstborn?
‘sup?

8. What is the last thing you heard about your first love?
In a tribute to Walt Disney she tried to quick freeze herself by driving to the local Shop-Rite and prostrating herself in the fresh seafood case.

9. If you had created the world in seven days yourself, what would you have created on the First Day?
Suzie Qs, pizza, fried chicken, Meredith Salenger, minor league baseball, reasonable beachfront property, books, ice cream, music, multiple orgasms for men.

10. What is the first song in your IPOD or song list?
Paradise by The Dashboard Light, as sung by Joel Osteen and Melissa Scott (it’s an obscure reference unless you are an insomniac)

11. What is the first tangible thing you lost that you could never find again?
My marbles

 12. Who is your favorite First Lady of all time?
Abigail Adams…she threw some wild hot tub parties.  Yowza!!!

 13. Post a link to your first blog post.
actually the first first is long gone…

 14. When was the last time you needed FirstAid?
When my arms mysteriously fell off in the middle of the Annual County Square Dance competition……talk about embarrassing…

 15. Can you explain what a first down is in football?

A first down is when the quarterback moves his team 10 yards closer to their goal.  He gets four chances to move his team that distance. If he fails, he walks dejectedly back to the sideline, cursing the hung-over offensive line or showboating receivers for not doing their job.  Once he gets to the sideline, the head coach tells him not to worry, that’s he’s a fine quarterback and he’ll get another chance to move his team ten yards.  When the quarterback moves out of earshot, the head coach turns to his assistant coach and mutters the famous football cliché, “Boy, does he suck.”  The assistant coach tells the head coach that he’s a fine head coach.  The assistant coach is known as a lackey.

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6 Comments

Filed under meme

6 responses to “first meme

  1. So that is where Jimmy Hoffa is?
    Your first kiss/date sounded sort of wild? They really never found her? I think you should starting writing a book if you haven’t already done so.
    Oops…I left out a few important points about football. I am just a cheerleader.

    Great answers to your meme.

  2. Hilarious! I love the cheese grater!

  3. snowelf

    I love your blog. So Much. I’m sure I’m being redundant, but you know. Blog love. It’s addictive and well deserved.

    –snow

  4. the dry cleaning bill is not an issue since i was reading this after recently being laminated. after reading the joel osteen/melissa scott answer though i will require a new monitor and keyboard.

  5. I’ve learned to put on a bib before I read your answers or put down my coffee.

    #9 cracked me up the most but all were completely hysterical. If Jimmy Hoffa likes green jello send him over. I’ll hide him for awhile.

  6. A fresh cup of irreverancy in the morning. SLURP! Thanks.

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