The house is quiet. No more carpooling twelve kids to the mall. No more fighting over the computer and the TV. I wonder if you learned your lessons this summer. Answer the questions in complete sentences, double-spaced, typed with footnotes, annotations and a bibliography. I’ll take that by Tuesday afternoon if not sooner. And please, if you have any questions, raise your hand..
There will be a pop quiz tomorrow.
1. Do you know your primary colors? Describe for me, if you will, the colors red, blue and green to a blind person. (*hat tip special friend for this most excellent question!*)
red – the energy flowing through you when you get hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
blue – the feeling coursing through your body after twenty minutes of having ice cubes duct taped to your nipples.
green – when your seeing-eye dog bolts unexpectedly into traffic into the path of an oncoming Prius.
(my roommate – and still good friend – from college is blind. I know what I’m talking about here)
2. What was your adult summer reading?
50 Ways to Grill Lawn Clippings
Brillo Pads – Not Just For Breakfast Anymore (and other baking recipes)
Naked Shellfish: The Dark Side of Jacques Cousteau
The Reykjavík Grapevine personal ads
3. When you assembled your clothes last night for today’s activities – you did do that, didn’t you? – what did you choose to wear?
I was considering the low-cut red body stocking but there is a chill in the air so I opted for the taffeta burnous.
4. What’s in your lunchbox?
fluffernutters and jack daniels
5. Imagine that your teacher is your fantasy crush. What would you bring her/him on the first day of school? Hmmmmm???
The name of a good defense attorney
6. No rest for the weary. Your child’s teacher just called. A big ole’ bully knocked your precious one into a locker for no good reason at all.
What is your response to the principal?
I’ll be at the school in 20 minutes. Look the other way…
7. You have been given a pair of scissors, a glue stick and copy of Entertainment Weekly. Whose picture do you cut out and who do you glue to your headboard?
The MightyDog dog food ad. I was drawn by an oasis of intelligence amongst lupine hollowness.
8. TEN POINT BONUS QUESTION! Now that you have time to watch all those Gilligan’s Island reruns, tell me….What was the Professor really doing with Mary Ann all that time they were lost in the jungle?
Pretending to collect indigenous insect species in hopes of losing MaryAnn. The Professor knew that in another secluded part of the island, an anxious Skipper was waiting for him with some bananas and coconuts.
And remember this uplifting quote:
“If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.”
— Edgar W. Howe