great moments in marketing

dear madison ave, 

bite me. 

love and kisses 

The love affair between consumer product marketing and washington warfare is alive and well – just search on “warfare video games” if you think otherwise. But i’m drawing the line with the new Quiznos ad campaign.  OK, we’ve all come to accept “submarine” sandwiches.  But now the big Q is offering smaller versions of their traditional sub, labeling them “torpedos” and “bullets”.  It’s bad enough marketers are trying to militarize my lunch, but the commercials themselves present cutout Nick Jr. type characters with childish voices floating along “the sea” (looking suspiciously like a bathtub).  Can I just get a sandwich please?  What’s next?  Going to Pizza Hut for a slice with everything and an orange soda and having to order a “Land Mine with a large Agent Orange”???? 

Does anyone else see the complete breakdown of logic in the latest Taco Bell ads?  You know the one…where the typical stupid white guy is at the counter in a sparkling clean TB (with no screaming kids, drug addicts or empty packets of hot sauce on the floor) chatting with the young, vivacious african american counter person who looks like she just graduated from Harvard and can be seen on the next cover of Vogue. 

duhhhhhhhhh image src:

Stupid white guy: If i get a roadkill burritos and a soda I get the chips for free?
Perfect TB person (in perfect english): just give me two dollars and everything is free.
Is she being sarcastic?  If not, I need to  take a new math course….$2 = Free????  And I can’t speak for the rest of the country but at the last Run For the Bathroom I made (and it’s been some time), the woman behind the counter stood about 4′ 3″, weighed close to 400 pounds and had an accent thicker road tar.  Can’t imagine why they don’t pick her for the next ad campaign. 



Manwich.  You know where I’m going here, don’t you?  What genius decided that a can of Manwich sauce is now considered a vegetable?  No.  No. Tomatoes are vegetables.  Cucumbers are vegetables.  Snowpeas are vegetables.  Manwich is a can of fucking preservatives and salt!  Reminds me of the heady days when the early stage of Alzheimer’s President and his stick figure wife sold the country on school lunches where ketchup was counted as a vegetable. Reagan himself was more of a vegetable. 

As Bill Hicks was fond of saying: “Anyone here work in marketing?  Kill yourself.”



Filed under business, culture, food, marketing, media, rant, soapbox, stupidity, TV

6 responses to “great moments in marketing

  1. Love Bill Hicks. His imagined ad for “Coke” wasn’t too far from what they use today for marketing. Keep us fat, self loathing and distracted from the raping that’s going on in DC. Did you know there’s af full serving of vegetables in Chef Boyardee as well? Cheese and Rice!

  2. well, for the last two days i’ve had the joy of looking at what a hospital considers edible vegetables suitable to restoring health to ill children. made me as sick as these ads make you.

  3. logo™

    Marketing is the devil’s work; it is true. Did you see Kate and Leopold? My children really enjoyed the bit where he rants about how vile the product is that he has been roped into promoting.
    Features Hugh Jackman as a little nod to Limey.
    You know, the food at the hosp. where my dad had his bypass was actually…edible.
    Which is high praise indeed for the genre

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