a true size ten-ectomy

In case you haven’t noticed, snark is one of my daily basic food groups.  A healthy dose of sarcasm-enriched goodness does a body good in twelve ways – to mix marketing metaphors.

This comes with a price, however, especially when reacting snark-like into the dark, where unknown beasties bent on my humiliation lurk in snapping, drooling anticipation.

I.E. –

In my wild college days, one of my patented (if not original) catchphrases was “Your Mother”.  This all-purpose retort became my quick response to nearly every situation, so much so that it’s predictability factor was near 100%.  My school mates knew when the “YM” barb was coming, sometimes even before I did.  This, in the etiquette that is ‘snark’, is not a positive trait…which I was to learn the hard way.

One Saturday, after a scrumptious lunch of faux steak sandwiches and air-pie (get your mind out of the gutter – it was a pre-made cardboard crust holding flavored Dream Whip mixed at ultra-high-molecular-separation speed until rendered flavorless)  I headed down to JNs dorm room where I knew my peeps would be gathering. A jaunty stroll into Smith dorm and rap on JN’s door produced a response of  “go away” from peep Bill from within.  I opened the door with “Your Mother” spewing from my lips as the door swung.

“And here she is,” sez Bill, whose white-haired mother was sitting next to him.  I forgot it was parents weekend.

Rendered speechless and turning a hitherto unknown shade of maroon,  I beat a hasty retreat with my tail between my legs and while prying the Nike’s from between my lips vowed to drop the whole “your mother’ thing for something less dangerous.

So…to my friend Bill——-Bite Me.  What are you going to do with that, huh???



Filed under humor

4 responses to “a true size ten-ectomy

  1. bit of athlete’s tongue eh?

    btw, ‘bite me’ was such a common phrase issuing from my mouth my kids once decided i should have a t-shirt they saw emblazoned with the words.

  2. Ew.
    Have a good birthday!! (and thanks for the wishes!)

  3. Was it really your birthday, Cooper? If so, I hope it was a good day. We’ve all had the taste of sneaker in our mouths at some point. Great story. 🙂

  4. erm. sorry for the confussion! I meant have a good weekend… lol…

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