did i miss something?

keep me honest here.

I replaced the lock on the front door using hardware from what I consider to be a reputable company, Schlage.  A marketing factoid appears on the packaging of said lock…thus:

“Easy 3-step installation”.  That is what is printed there in english and spanish, correct?  (Actually the spanish could read “your mother sucks 3 new york knicks” for all I know.  I’m taking the translation on faith here).  They are even kind enough to inform me that this 3-step installation takes 5 minutes!  That’s for me.  The less work the better.

I rush home, giddy with anticipation that my glistening new doorknob will be shining in the sun in a mere five minutes of unpacking the hardware.  I will be the envy of the neighborhood easy as (and literally as) 1 – 2 – 3.

I tear into the package without slashing a main artery (those thick plastic wrappers can be murder), look at my new bauble winking joyfully at me and grab a sheet of paper from within the packing thinking, “Hah.  All this paper for three steps.  The print must be large.”

So here, for your inspection, are the instructions for my three-step installation…

but, oh, there is more….

5 minutes?  it took me 15 to read it all and that doesn’t include the mile of small print at the end.

3 steps?  Last time I checked three came after two and preceded four.  That last step has a one and a zero, which for my money always symbolized “ten”.




Filed under common sense, customer service, marketing, rant

8 responses to “did i miss something?

  1. logo™

    Three shall be the number thou shalt count to and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.

    Sorry, bit of a non sequiter but that is where free association landed me and I found it soothing after looking at your pages of installation instructions.

  2. You are lucky you did not have to do a plumbing repair…no nasty chemicals or open flame involved and that lock is not likely to clog or develop a pressure leak…


  3. damn you, logo! you took my response!

    well, ok. i will comfort myself with the knowledge thatgreat minds think alike.

  4. OH, I know what the Spanish translation says… “This guys is in for it… 3 easy steps, my ass! Wait ’til he sees the directions! HaHa.”

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