Apple Stock Soars on Reports Steve Jobs Uses Bathroom
Shares of Apple stock topped 1,000 today sending the NASDAQ soaring above 5,000 for the first time since the tech bubble of the 90’s on reports that Apple CEO Steve Jobs uses the bathroom a minimum of three times a day. Wall Street nabobs were rendered speechless having, for the first time, to come to terms with the flaws in the tech company head honcho’s god-like status.
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer held an impromptu press conference this afternoon and while he appeared visibly shaken, he stated that he personally uses the bathroom whenever possible and has done so for years. When pressed for a response to rumors of a lawsuit against Apple for bathroom use infringement, Ballmer stated that it’s an option he was studying and then excused himself to go take a leak.
While Jobs remained unavailable for comment, Apple released a statement to the press stating they “stood behind Mr. Jobs bathroom usage, at a distance, and that this will have no impact on the future of the company’s direction or any product offerings.”
Rumors have swept through the industry that Apple will soon release a series of bathroom products including iTP, iSoap and iFloss.