As some of you may know, the past couple years have been a bit of a journey, acting as caregiver to the Mrs. who has been treated for brain cancer (she’s doing quite well – coming up on a year of remission). Part of this journey has had me exposed to the Mrs. daytime TV addictions; primary being Days of Our Lives at 1 pm EST. Following that these days is The Steve Harvey Show, a talk show that veers between copying Dr. Phil and the standard talk show fare. There is a segment of the show entitled “Ask Steve” where members of the audience ask Steve to help them with their personal quirks and foibles.
Today the questioner was a woman whose issue was “cussing”. She wanted Steve to tell her what words to use instead of cuss words. She couldn’t think of any. Now my unscientific research estimates around 200,000 words, plus or minus 50%, in our goofy language but this poor soul could not figure out good replacement words to use.
This is why Steve Harvey is hosting the show and not me. Steve has parlayed what started as a stand-up career into a multi-dimensional existence in sitcoms, game shows and talk shows. He is loved by millions and I certainly do not begrudge his success. Smart dude. But if I were hosting the show and this woman asked that question, my response would be to have Chuck Norris come on stage and shove this woman’s face through chicken wire.
Since this sort of behavior is frowned upon, I will take the high road and offer some alternative suggestions. Of course she never said which cuss words she was saying so I’ll have to make some assumptions here:
(I could probably stop right here because I doubt this woman ventured into expletives any stronger as these first two, but as a public service I will press on)
Ass……………wankle rotary engine
fuck…………..fuck (let’s face it, no other word really captures the right spirit)
Hopefully Steve’s staff presented this woman with her own personalized copy of Carlin’s Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television.