Category Archives: humor

Ask Steve

As some of you may know, the past couple years have been a bit of a journey, acting as caregiver to the Mrs. who has been treated for brain cancer (she’s doing quite well – coming up on a year of remission).  Part of this journey has had me exposed to the Mrs. daytime TV addictions; primary being Days of Our Lives at 1 pm EST.  Following that these days is The Steve Harvey Show, a talk show that veers between copying Dr. Phil and the standard talk show fare.  There is a segment of the show entitled “Ask Steve” where members of the audience ask Steve to help them with their personal quirks and foibles.

Today the questioner was a woman whose issue was “cussing”.  She wanted Steve to tell her what words to use instead of cuss words.  She couldn’t think of any.  Now my unscientific research estimates around 200,000 words, plus or minus 50%, in our goofy language but this poor soul could not figure out good replacement words to use.

This is why Steve Harvey is hosting the show and not me.  Steve has parlayed what started as a stand-up career into a multi-dimensional existence in sitcoms, game shows and talk shows.  He is loved by millions and I certainly do not begrudge his success.  Smart dude.  But if I were hosting the show and this woman asked that question, my response would be to have Chuck Norris come on stage and shove this woman’s face through chicken wire.

Since this sort of behavior is frowned upon, I will take the high road and offer some alternative suggestions.  Of course she never said which cuss words she was saying so I’ll have to make some assumptions here:

Crap………….tinfoil
Damn………..peaches
(I could probably stop right here because I doubt this woman ventured into expletives any stronger as these first two, but as a public service I will press on)

Ass……………wankle rotary engine
shit……………yogurt
fuck…………..fuck (let’s face it, no other word really captures the right spirit)

Hopefully Steve’s staff presented this woman with her own personalized copy of Carlin’s Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under dumbass, humor, TV

Special Report

Darkly hilarious.  The last line is the best…

Leave a comment

Filed under humor, YouTube

i didn’t think it was possible…

for something to be funny and sad at the same time….

3 Comments

Filed under humor, YouTube

he’s a very naughty boy

brian1brian2briaan3brian4

2 Comments

Filed under humor

more questions questions

I must because one of my favorite peeps is flying back in the radar…

Your Questions, if you choose to accept them:
1.  What is your horse’s name.  And don’t pretend you don’t have one, you know that you do.
Ravi Shankar
2.  When does the sun set?
at sunset
3.  Favorite insect and why?
spider…such clever folk with the whole web thing
4.  You’re marrying someone from a commercial–who is it and what is there most attractive feature?
the woman from the Popeye’s commercial — She brings chicken.
5.  Can you skate?
No but I can do the mashed potato
6.  Name something you like to do while waiting in line.
plant micro bugging devices on the person in front of me
7.  This year, a kindergarten class is planning your birthday party–what’s your favorite kid-themed birthday party?
Roller Derby Paintball
8.  Best breakfast cereal mascot ever?
Alfred Hitchcock
9.  Name something simple that makes you happy.
cake
10.  We just found your awkward family photo–what are you wearing?
this hideous madras plaid sport coat from 2nd grade
11.  What color is your aura?
multicolored spots – like the wonder bread package

7 Comments

Filed under humor, meme

questions questions

I’m surprised people ask me to do this, given my previous responses and their slightly sarcastic tone.  But okay…Elyse insisted…

The Rules:

1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.

Elyse posted this as a self-portrait.  It kind of looks like me freshman year in college right before I got my haircut…I’m going with it.

Yes, I'm a hairy beast.  Mine is more blondish red, but same idea

(Google image)

Eleven facts you may not know about me (and probably wish you didn’t).

  1. I have a tattoo of Leona Helmsley on my large intestine.
  2. My toenail color changes between blue and salmon, depending on the brand of peanut butter i eat.
  3. People  have told me I look a little like Brad Pitt right after the car hit him in Joe Black.
  4. Contrary to public opinion I was not raised by gypsy moths.
  5. I not only have a “special room in hell” waiting for me, I have an entire suite.
  6. I refuse to eat anything that does not come out of a mason jar.
  7. I am Paul Lynde and Wally Cox’s love child.
  8. I have never watched an entire episode of Seinfeld (That one is actually true – not the others aren’t you understand)
  9. I can speak 5 different languages.  Unfortunately no one else speaks them  so I’m always misunderstood.
  10. I left my pancreas in San Francisco.
  11. One testicle is larger than the other.  I rent out the extra space for business conferences and Shiner’s meetings.

Now, here are my answers to Elyse’s questions:

Were you closer to Mom or Dad (if you were spawned by aliens, please explain)
I was closer to the cat.  Mom and Dad lived in the next town.

There are moments in history that everyone alive at that time remember (for me it was the Kennedy assassination).  What was your first?
The day Eleanor Roosevelt bit into a bad fig and told her husband that he was a complete doof.

Favorite pet ever
Angelique Lawson, December 1971 issue

Funniest quote
“Hire a decorator to come in here quick cuz, Damn.”

Best insult you ever delivered and why the recipient deserved it.
I delivered one to the CVS in town.  They ordered a gross.

First memory
“Bottle fed?  That’s bullshit.”

What do you dislike most about blogging?
It never cooks up the same way twice.

Do your friends/family members read your blog?
Only under duress.

How would you be using your time right now if you weren’t answering my stupid questions
Melting down ear wax to use as varnish for the front porch

Your dream job.
I don’t think we need to get into that here thank you.

What you expect to be reincarnated as in your next life?
This is my next life.  I used to be central tunnel support on the Victoria Line

Now I am supposed to come up with questions.  I think I’m still waiting for answers from most of you on the last batch…

1. Name five non-clothing items you might wear next to your skin while attending a Bar Mitzvah.
2. Who is your favorite proctologist…and why?
3. They are going to name a breakfast cereal after your feet.  What will it be called?
4. Given the choice between spontaneous combustion and a weekend with Michelle Bachman, which would you choose?
5. What is your favorite tile grout?
6. It’s a new law…you have to get a tattoo of a celeb’s face.  Who is it and where are they going?
7. What is your favorite moldy fruit?
8. What language do you find most unpleasant?
9. When was the last time you cried gagged?
10. What is your favorite dental instrument?
11. Have you ever…you know…you know…with a head of cauliflower?  or spinach?

I won’t tag anyone but if you want to have at it, please feel free.

10 Comments

Filed under blogging, humor

it’s lucy’s fault

lucy-football1

So, Peter Robbins, who at the age of 9 was the voice of Charlie Brown in all those TV specials including Christmas, is going to jail on 21 felony counts including stalking and making terroristic threats.

It’s Lucy’s fault.

Can you imagine the psychological trauma Charlie Brown suffered when Lucy repeatedly yanked the football away just before he kicked it?  And we don’t need to discuss the physical injury.  At a minimum there have to be two or three dislodged vertebrae, if not traumatic spinal damage.  I guess between the pain meds for his back issues, the years of frustration and teasing, not to mention the taunts of “Blockhead” and Lucy’s inability to catch a fly ball and unwillingness to give up her Joe Shlabotnick baseball card, the round-headed kid finally snapped.

I wonder who will feed Snoopy while he’s away?  (This is a very sardonic comment as Robbins reportedly has a dog named Snoopy)

5 Comments

Filed under celebrities, humor