As some of you may know, the past couple years have been a bit of a journey, acting as caregiver to the Mrs. who has been treated for brain cancer (she’s doing quite well – coming up on a year of remission). Part of this journey has had me exposed to the Mrs. daytime TV addictions; primary being Days of Our Lives at 1 pm EST. Following that these days is The Steve Harvey Show, a talk show that veers between copying Dr. Phil and the standard talk show fare. There is a segment of the show entitled “Ask Steve” where members of the audience ask Steve to help them with their personal quirks and foibles.
Today the questioner was a woman whose issue was “cussing”. She wanted Steve to tell her what words to use instead of cuss words. She couldn’t think of any. Now my unscientific research estimates around 200,000 words, plus or minus 50%, in our goofy language but this poor soul could not figure out good replacement words to use.
This is why Steve Harvey is hosting the show and not me. Steve has parlayed what started as a stand-up career into a multi-dimensional existence in sitcoms, game shows and talk shows. He is loved by millions and I certainly do not begrudge his success. Smart dude. But if I were hosting the show and this woman asked that question, my response would be to have Chuck Norris come on stage and shove this woman’s face through chicken wire.
Since this sort of behavior is frowned upon, I will take the high road and offer some alternative suggestions. Of course she never said which cuss words she was saying so I’ll have to make some assumptions here:
(I could probably stop right here because I doubt this woman ventured into expletives any stronger as these first two, but as a public service I will press on)
Ass……………wankle rotary engine
fuck…………..fuck (let’s face it, no other word really captures the right spirit)
Hopefully Steve’s staff presented this woman with her own personalized copy of Carlin’s Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television.
Filed under dumbass, humor, TV
why does…do?…does?? not sure…anyway…why does every person on a soap opera look like they stepped off the pages of GQ and Vogue? Where are all the cigar chomping big, fat slobs? Where are all the trailer park denizens with the 15 kids whose eyes are just a tad too close together? And what about all those WalMart shoppers we’ve seen in the countless emails – how come none of them show up on Young & The Restless or Days of Our Lives? I think we need a soap opera that represents the real America – – like COPS only in the same town week after week…
Yes I know the Grammys are on tonight but I gave up on that event ages ago when I finally realized it awarded commercial success not artistic merit. So in lieu of watching a whole bunch of people I don’t know because I don’t watch music videos or listen to commercial FM radio, I decided to run the long-standing blog tradition of letting my iPod pick the first 25 songs at random and see what appeared.
I cheated a bit as I decided to use my iTunes library on my computer as my base – and I’m talking the main library that has everything in it – rock, classical, comedy, christmas, jazz, blues and lord knows what else, so this list may include just about anything.
Here we go:
Spirit of the Radio – Rush (OK, iTunes doesn’t start automatically when you click the shuffle button…so I had to start somewhere)
Walls – Yes
Ride Captain Ride – Blues Image
Precious Illusions – Alanis Morissette
Make Me Smile – Chicago (pretty unthrilling so far, right?)
The Grandfather – Bill Cosby
Haushinka – Green Day
There’s A Place – Beatles
Dream World – Midnight Oil
Jungleland – Bruce Springsteen (You know, this may be a bad idea )
Hell’s Bells – AC/DC (ah, that’s better)
Jumpin’ Jack Flash – Johnny Winter And
Roll Over, Beethoven – Beatles
Jilly’s On Smack – Primus
Blue Calx – Aphex Twin
Live From the Moon – Trooper
March – Nutcracker Suite – Tchaikovsky – Lorin Maazel/Cleveland Orchestra
Frozen Over – Captain Beyond
The Great Deceiver – King Crimson
Project X – Frank Zappa & The Mothers
Out of The Blue – Elton John
Golden Age of Rock & Roll – Mott The Hoople
Superman – Bill Cosby
Whatsername – Green Day
Guiltless Glider – Cactus
This is actually a pretty tame list (or a lame tist – sorry i’m very tired), but anything is better than watching…whoever is on the grammy’s right now.
I have nothing to say. Specifically. It’s been crazy busy work wise for the past two weeks (including weekends) and today marked the culmination of some of my efforts so I can breathe a little tonight.
I know I keep writing about this “book” I’ve written….just hang in there – big news coming very very very very soon. I can say this – I have learned to appreciate the amount of effort that goes into a book besides actually writing it. Posting an eBook version is one thing, actually designing the cover and interior is a whole different kettle of wax. (or ball of fish – whichever you prefer). I have a new respect for book designers.
And now for something completely different – – things that are unnecessary. Do we REALLY need to name every single weather event from now on? It’s a snow storm. It’s not a hurricane or a typhoon. Why, all of a sudden do we have to name them? I think it is totally unfair to name only what people consider “dangerous” weather systems. Why can’t we name sunny days. “Sunshine Judy is heading our way on Friday followed by 24 hours of Balmy Dave. Next week will be a beautiful Milton so head for the beach and take plenty of sunscreen.” Seriously, what the hell?
I admit it. i am a triple d addict. for those who don’t know the show, go here.
oh, man...i have this shirt...i don't look near as kewl tho
We’ve been to four triple d locations thus far. the first was the Pineville Tavern in pennsylvania, which scored high on the dish featured in the show (turtle soup) but fell down with our entrees. We also hit two of the Diners on the New Jersey Diner Tour the Hightstown Diner and the Skylark Diner. The Skylark was the better of the two as a kind of a neo-retro funky joint with a great beer list and an extensive menu. The Hightstown Diner is a small, old chrome palace straight out of he 1950’s. We found the food at the Hightstown diner lacking in seasoning and flavor.
Lats night we hit the Good Dog Bar in Philadelphia. Noisy as hell, as one should expect from any worthwhile Philly bar on a saturday night. Food was well above standard bar fare. Truffle cheese steak empanadas were excellent…could have eaten 15 of those alone. I had the duck pot pie which was rich and flavorful. I would order it again in a heartbeat. Our troupe also had a shrimp po’ boy which was mediocre, a salmon burger which was excellent and a Good Dog burger which was massive. With one round of drinks the bill came to about $25 a head…which isn’t bad at all. Would have been better in the warmer weather, tho as blasts of cold air reach the second floor when the front door opens. I asked the hostess what impact triple D had. She said it gave her a job – apparently she was hired just to direct the influx of traffic the place has experienced.
when did taking a healthy crap become big business? I see one more commercial telling me yogurt, pills, drinks or cereal will “keep my digestive track balanced” and I’m going to start
"can I talk to you about your colon?" "NO!!! Now piss off."
squatting in those respective aisles in the supermarket. jamie lee curtis started all this nonsense with her damn yogurt commercials. Remember when eating yogurt would increase your lifespan into the hundreds? I guess new research has shown that not to be the case but it does allow women to keep their colons flowing as they should. If I remember correctly it was an early SNL sketch with Phil Hartman that touted the advantages of eating a cereal named Colon-Blow. Or was that Python? No, Python was Ano-Weet in the Most Disgusting Family competition.
and while we’re on the subject of ridiculous, this is what Yahoo listed this evening as their top headlines under “World News”, not US…but World…
- Mysterious ‘Winged’ Structure from Ancient Rome Discovered
- Kate Middleton’s Mustique Vacation Is Royal Pain for Other Guests
- Pa. woman hosted ‘kegger’ before 3 teens crashed
- Seal, Heidi Klum announce separation
- Strongest solar storm since 2005 hitting Earth
- ‘The Office’ actor Rainn Wilson finally admits he looks like Newt Gingrich
These are the stories that delve into the most important issues facing the world today.
the late phil hartman